‘2009: A Year in Freefall’


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''Year’s End''

Late, late in the year
in the year with three days left
how long to wait on this new year

In fusion, infusion
stick in the arm
how long will I wait
will I wait

Now is the time
now is the time
to wait
three days left

One line on time
three days left
On time

December 28, 2008


''Early Again''

Early
I’m early again
waiting at a table
early again
early

Coffee in an earthy green mug
Water on the side
Waiting
I am early
Again
Waiting by a window
Watching
— and there is Susan

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


Coffee with you
Who has the key
the answer
the type
listening for something that isn’t real
who has the time to waste on candy?

Jan. 18, 2009


''Wherever you start is the right beginning.'' — Sigmund Freud

January 30, 2009


''In the Doctor’s Office''

The usual beginning of the year
UTI chronic.
Then to Dr. Houser, urologist on Wednesday
CT scan later in the month
Sigh, blah ... and the stress I create
Keeps it all cooking this month.

February 2, 2009


Rambling on
Sugaring
Smoothie
Interview
Gym

Oatmeal
Computer with email and coffee

Dogs and home and studio

Noted that the main aspects
Of dysfunctional relationships are:
The inability to feel
The inability to trust
The inability to talk

February 11, 2009


''Liar''

Liar Liar feeling good
Do I believe
Trust your mood
Let’s talk
Let’s talk away from the din
Safer there
It’s safer there
Step back from the edge
Feeling good?
Liar bird fly away
Fly away
In the light I’ll wait
For you
but not too long
Untrusting mood
I’m numb with you
Let’s talk, let’s talk
Away from the din

February 2009


Colored tiles
vermilion, cobalt, white
sunflower, tangerine
ocean blue, black
carnation, earth, chartreuse

February 2009


''Scribbles''

Scribbling your name
Helps me naught
Nor send me dancing
Light of heart
I’m closed to myself
Not open to you

Liar, liar
I am so fair
Tossing back my long blonde hair

Scribbles, scribbles
Out and around
Over the top
All over the ground
Why waste the moment
Burn the thought
Talking to you
Closes me down
Trusting is for naught

Sitting in the sun
Birdie watching
Sonny watching
The chimes ring and the future calls
Little whispers in the flutter of a leaf
Flutter, silent song
Clanking, chiming
Flitter flitter
Prism, crystal bouncing rainbows
On the patio.

Silent flutters
Whisper passing
I sit in the sun, in the shade.
Humming city life in the distance
Shadows softly moving
Dog sleeping, cat quietly watching
Leaves flitter
Bird calls
Texas February sunny day
Happy to relax.

Sit beside me
Listen quietly
Laid back humming street noise
Birdie in my lap
Cardinal calling, Birdie listening
Sitting on the Pacha porch
Listening to the hum of traffic
Happy nothing
Quiet regress
Nothing does not mean less
Over the top
Around the side
White branch moving with the wind
Four square windows at the top
Four long rectangles
February morphs into March

February 19, 2009


It will be spring before we know it
If we can wait that long
Happy silence, quite repose
If I could hold on to you
with a line
I would try
There is no holding a line
No holding what’s coming
Over the top and under with you
The bottom is your favorite

I am here for you
I promise I am true
I would be be true and never leave
Sit with me
Rest your head
The weight will not be much
Sit with me
Hold my hand
But do not touch me much
Stay a while
Talk to me
The day has grown so short

I will not leave or make you sad
Count on me
I’m not very bad
There is plenty of room inside
You, I see
I may rest a while

Hold on to you lightly
Holding on lightly
Hold lightly to you
To you
My grasp is never more
Than a figment of
My elaborate imagination

Hold on lightly
Lightly to me
A grasp that is never more
Than a figment of
Your elaborate imagination

Air-light touch
Reaching for me
Lightly grasping to hold me near
Hold on lightly
Stop at my heart
Allow me to live
Lightly go
Quietly leave
Never say a word
Let me live and create again.

February 25, 2009


''Catchup''

Thin ice
Treading on thin ice
Walking through water
Treading on ice
Slipping on thin ice
Stumbling in shallow water

How to catch oneself
On the verge of despair

Is it the beginning
Vibrance treading on cracked ice
So close to the water

Blue bird
Spent the day with delightful child
Sweet, pure soul
His innocence radiates
Apple-cheeked baby boy
Running through my life
Precious child, curls awry
Kind heart, happy heart
I love you
Blue Bird

February 28, 2009


''Cracked''

Wonder, wonder
Blue sky cold
Where goes the blue bird
Wander, wonder
Over the top

Cracking ice, jumbled day
Feeling as if I’ve lost my way
Fries, ice cream, enchiladas
I’m on cracked ice
Splintered years
How to fix, how to fix
One day, one day
Not here for you
I’m not here for you

Thin ice cracked
Water below
Suffocating thin ice
It is better in bed
Better in bed
In the dark, in the dark
Away from all of you
Yes, you
Good night

I’m edgy all over
Never quite the same

March 1, 2009


''Fly''

Drive fast
Don’t blink

Birds, no birds
In my paintings
I’m puzzled why
Birds bring it to life

Bird, bird flying
Dreaming, hoping
Had I given up
On hoping, dreaming
I wonder

One wing lifting me
I used to believe I could fly
I couldn’t, could I
I still dream
Drifting up, drifting
Above the chaos

Fair wing
Flutter by
Lift hope
Bird song
Bird fly, blue sky
Bird fly
Blue sky
Sun shines
In the dark places
Truth

March 2, 2009


''Bird on Wire''

Sitting still ready to flee
To flee to be free
Bird flies higher away

Sitting still
Bird on wire
Heart on fire
Thinking of you
A fearful thing

Sitting still
Bird on wire
Memory desire
Fly away and leave me
Bird on wire
Heart on fire for the desire
Bird on wire
Sing for me
I hear your call
Smile at your trill
Bird sitting on wire

Beautiful draped peacock
Small brown sparrow
Bird on wire, heart on fire
Trilling sweet greetings to the day
Sweet trill, warm thrill
Drinking hot tea with you

Drinking hot tea of you, of you
Don’t fly away, leaving me
Bird on wire fleeing, alone

Process — the process
The process of living
Creating and being with you
Egg shells — I am on egg shells
Living my life on egg shells?
I wonder
Is it the process
Of one day at a time
Let go and live the process
Live this process
Lift your head
Spread your arms
Aspire to flight
Heart of fire
Bird on wire

March 3, 2009


''A Really Hard Month''

Lunch with Birdie
Lemon torte
Lime with tea
Eight is my number

March 5


Coffee in a white cup
Thinking about birds
Flying with them
Over the ridge
Magnetic clip on the fridge

March 7, 2009


Sunday late sleep
No time to think
Today could be a wash
Wonderful chatting
Over the top
The buzz could wash me away

March 8, 2009


Full moon
Sound of the dance
This funny dance
between you and me
Like the birds we paint, sculpt
This to and fro
Seek and hide
Dance of mating
Of loving this dance
This mating dance with you

Full moon dance
Sweet to and fro
Hide, seek, running away
Dancing back
This beautiful dance
Between you and me
Ebb and flow
Ebb and flow
Full moon shining

Pulling my heart
Pushing your mind
Back and forth
You and me
A bird’s mating dance

Out on the edge with you
Stand with me
Dance out when the center moves

March 10, 2009


The human condition
To seek happiness
Knowing it is probably not attainable
But this knowledge
Is not to prevent
One from seeking happiness

March 14, 2009


The grapefruit blossoms are so fragrant
A spring evening
Spring is not for two more days
Waiting, always waiting
My mind is so tired

Planning a bird show with three others

March 18, 2009


Exhaustion mental
Numb physical
Tired of you
Tired of you, tired of you
And it’s almost spring

Soft wind blows
Blue, bright, green
I would like it to envelope me
Carry me softly
To running water
Hold me there

Hold me softly
Water covers my being
I am so tired of trying
Trying to live
I am so tired of you

March 18 and 20, 2009


Coffee and a waiting room
Psychiatrist

March 19, 2009


Friday - first day of spring

March 20


Until you leave
Saturday - naming, listing, numbering the day
Days with you
Days without you
Days until you leave
Days until I leave
Will it be tomorrow?
Or the day after?
Will I see you disappear

Today was with anxiety
Relaxed laughter
Mixed with dreary
A lot of spaces in between the hollow
My heart beat an anxiety attack
Only for a moment
Only today when I realized
There was an ending to more
More time with you

But why should it matter?
We were both very tired
My stomach had been bothering me all day
The food was not on my diet
Not much I do with you
Is on my diet

Do I love to break my heart
Knowing that this is all you can do?
It is simply a wild thing’s nature
Most feral of wolves
But won’t you be lonely?
Oh, you will find
Warmth in the weakest of times

Naming, listing, numbering
The days with you
Without you
Days until you leave

March 21, 2009


Connect to my source on intention
Changing the way I view a situation
The situation will change

Sunday night rambling
Roaming around my mind
If the power of intention is connecting with my source
And my source is God / Universe which is my intent;
Then the positive act of my intent will guide me through all doubt

Dogs under the blanket
Sun Cat at my side
Rose on the guard beside my bed
Our slumber will be sweet
I wonder where you are tonight
Our intent is toward the source of our good
And I know you will sleep well

March 22, 2009


Monday fragments gathered and frayed
A poem written badly
Sitting in a stupor
Remembering nondairy ice cream
Eating it. Eating it all
How did I do yoga?
Not well
Stomach hurting
Heart sadly breaking

Pulling away
A sane thing to do
I mean look at me
I’m crazily broken, frayed
Almost naked
Exposure has been too much

Walking under water
It is like walking under water
You have left, haven’t you?

Sweet Birdie
Small red-brown girl
What a delight
Little dog, bossy, barking canine
It is time to cuddle

I don’t think I washed my face today

March 23, 2009


Washed face, brushed teeth
Tea at Genuine Joe’s
Thinking about an art recipe
Let things rest for six months with Mark

Airport baggage claim - Southwest
Waiting for Mark’s return from Tucson
No energy to deal

March 24, 2009


Sunday - cleaning, pulling weeds
Putting out fires
No answer cometh
But none is sought
Rest in physical labor
Accomplished at the basic level
Now the wood floors are clean

March 29, 2009


Cold comfort napping
Resting in a chair
Within my heart
No response
Closed repose
Unhappy quiet lair

So your heart is napping
As your mind is quick to know
The path of least resistance
Leaves delight quietly
Waiting at the door

Where goes the answer
Who stays his ground
What can I tell you
When there is chaos all around

83 days we danced this dance
Stepping in, stepping back,
Sideways tracking, you most often backing
Backing away, but staying so close

Fast paced, slow song
Inspiring beat grown in depth
In step to leave us walking
In a rhythm without the beat

March 30, 2009


April is tomorrow
Sparkly, shiny, saddled on the side
Cold comfort resting
Quietly in a chair back there
Back there
Saddled on the side
Not today
But April is tomorrow
. . .
Evening
Doing well
Coffee hot in a white cup
Fearing is lonesome
Ice cold on the shelf

Loveless fearing
Lonesome winter napping
Bird on a wire can go no higher
. . .

I just keep being early
Which is crazier?
Bird on a wire
Feet on fire
It is hard to stay in one place
It was cool today, chili over the top
Wire strung too tight
Bird on a wire with heavy heart
Cold fire, taut, stretched

March 31, 2009


In bed with the little dogs
Resting on pillows
Bent knees to help prop a book

Clay birds
Like the kind thrown in the air for target practice
Birds tethered to a wire
Just enough string to flutter, to sing
Pinned back wings

Like little clay bombs
Birds on a wire
Hearts on fire
Not enough rope if you slip

Pretty to see
Won’t you sit with me

As I can only flutter
Tethered up high, on a wire
My heart on fire for a moment to soar unseen

Ate a pint of Nada Moo
Snacked on dates earlier today
Celery and hummus for lunch
Arugula and spinach salad
Delicious little tomatoes
A bowl of beans along with greens
Granola, banana and almond milk
An apple, banana
No orange today
Cups of coffee
Roasted green tea
Bombay Chai
Really, really good.

April 3, 2009 Friday


I only have this pencil
To write a word or two
Laying in my comfy bed - cozy
Environmental/green job
Small business recycle service
Too tired to write a worthwhile word

April 6, 2009


Full moon

Desert comes to mind
A pretense, a desire
For more of something
That was never there

Weight gain
Lagging exercise
Need good moisturizer
Look for something

April 9, 2009


Late afternoon - busy morning
Bright light, glistening green
Pouring in my eye
Bright light, optimist chant
I wonder if I’m blind

Monday, April 20, 2009


Tuesday - Tuesday again
Breeze, blue, cloud
Grackle, pink, twitter
Cacti yellow flowering
Mesquite, Texas mesquite
Waiting

I may have a headache in the breeze at 9:30 AM
Buy some moisturizer for my limbs
Get a jacket or sweater for the breeze

Waiting
Waiting to get it over with
Over, yes over
My headache is a sign it needs to be over
Quietly finished - over
I’m ready to go
With you?
I don’t know
Maybe not

Grackle perched on the back of a chair
Grackles in the pink skull cap
Amongst the flowering cacti

Hair blowing about my face
Will it make a difference
Will it?

Leaving

May 12, 2009


Onward into Memorial Day Weekend
Mama not well
Waiting on a call
Mama not well
She had a fall

Sleep-walking fall
Maybe in the hall or over a chair
The fracture is a hair
She is backed-up and building
Like a volcano
that cannot flow

Mama’s not well
Waiting on a call
Mama heading for weekend hospital bed

Mama hit her head
She had a fall
No one heard her call
All alone
Confused and dazed
Sleep-walking mama

I’ve spiraled my day, packed my brain
Nothing has accomplished a thing
Emails of business and vice
Sucked seconds from
Time planned badly
Life on hold
Chokes me with a twisted line of deceit

Night puff, sweet stuff
I’m drifting from you
You have lost your fire
It may have only ever been an ember
Without the smolder
Another year older

I’m glad you are here
Can’t it just be quiet, dear?

Friday, May 22, 2009


It is here
It’s okay
A day outside
Sitting in hospital room with Mom
She has been working on her hospital menu for an hour
Only interrupted by her shower and getting the sheets changed

I am realizing it is the highlight of her morning
Selecting hospital food from the menu
Mama believes nothing I say
I just sit quietly
Feeling really fatigued.

Yes, I do agree with mother
It has been a really long morning

Remember to remember to
Now it is night. 10 p.m.
I’m in bed with Reggie, Mama’s dog
Exhausted
Went up to hospital three times
Took food three times
Cooked black beans and rice and greens
Laundry done
Trash emptied
Kitchen floor swept and mopped around
Happy birthday, Liz
I think I can sleep well
Pack, pack if I need to
Pack and go
Time tells if peace will hold - forced truce.

May 25, 2009


Continuing the same routine as yesterday
Except with Gloria
And other Brownwood relatives

Fly, fly away high
High fly clouds float higher

Mom is looking at her hospital chicken salad
Brownwood Hospital, room 412

Walking, walking
I wish I were walking
I’m sitting, sitting, sitting
Beside you
but I’m not here
Am I?
Am I here beside you?
I don’t know where I’m walking
Walking in my mind
Stepping over the mound built up there.
Some are higher than others.
Some have turned to sink holes.

Peace like a river, peace like a river
Flooding over bounds
Peace like a river, peace like a river
Taking homes to the ground
Peace like a river, peace like a river
Like a faucet I have found
Peace like a river, peace like a river
Roaring through my mind
Implanted, implanted
Packed into a clay-bed river bottom

May 26, 2009


From a rafter
Upside down
Hanging from the rafter
I wish that I could stay with you
Nothing is ever after
Upside down hanging
Hanging from a rafter
. . .

Mom’s blood pressure
114/55 sitting
131/59 laying down
121/60 standing, light headed

Wednesday morning, hospital room 412
Brownwood Bulletin, nurses chatting
Old guy in cowboy boots hobbles past
Gray, beige, gray, beige
Powdered eggs
Plastic, lots of plastic
Styrofoam
Sipping from a straw
Whining nurses
Beige, brown, gray

Surgical staples left in
Upper-right abdomen
Oh well
Least of her problems

May 27, 2009


Walt and Kelly’s sixth wedding anniversary
Mom back in ER
CAT scan and  X ray
Stroke yesterday?

I’m laying in bed with Birdie, Woods and Sun Cat
Rosie under the bed
Mark has gone to store (after 10 pm)
Getting cash for me to travel tomorrow
And bottled water for me

My brain is like loose wire
Feels like loose wire hanging

June 7, 2009 Sunday


Monday afternoon
Brownwood Hospital ER
With Mom
Mama sleeping
Deep breaths hurt on left side
And under her arm

June 15, 2009


Made an appointment for haircut
Dates and times flowing into nothing
Into nothing
Flowing into nothing
Dates and times
Dates and times
Skip de loo, skip de loo

This basin catches no water
This basin catches no water
There is a drought in my mind
Drought, no water in the bucket
Ladle has a hole in it

Thirsty, thirsty
Flowing into nothing
There is a drought in my mind
Drought in my bones
You may have left me in a drought
A fountain full of stone

June 16, 2009


1961-2009 = 48 years
Anniversary Mom and Mac

We are sitting in Mom and Mac’s rockers
Lazy-boy rockers on the sun porch
Listening to the birds
Listening to Gloria
Read about Medicare and hospice

Blah, blah -- transportation
Via ambulance
Reggie sitting in door
Mom’s flowers are so pretty
Cool morning racing into chaos
Rushing towards chaos

Mom in hospital
Pancreatic cancer and blood clot in leg
Rapid cancer growth
Six weeks

Called Susan to rant
Steves’ Cafe for 1:35 pm lunch
Of chicken salad, blackberry sage iced tea
Chocolate Chess Pie
Coffee and a thermos

Flying into time
Mom’s last adventure
Morphine drip
Medicare milking
Bad small town doctors
Trying to get ambulance ride to Austin

Items for Mama
Note tablets and pen
Framed photos in bedroom
Bible
Shoes and personal items

June 17, 2009


To Do List
Laundry for Mom
Laundry detergent at HEB
Dishwasher detergent

June 22, 2009


Austin
Mom in nursing home for 8 days
Very sick with pain medication too strong
Delusional and paranoid, fear
Another blockage
Looking near death
Terrible altercation with sister and daughter
Around Mother’s bed yesterday
While Mom was drugged

Can this ever be mended?
I don’t know
But it seems like
No

Very exhausted
Both Mark and I
Hoping for a better day

June 27, 2009


Last day of June, 2009
2009 free fall
Free to fall
To a higher, quieter place
2009 free
Fall, fall, fall Last day Last day of June
A day with rain
Rain and thunder
Drops freefall
2009 free fall
Six down, six to go
For this fall freely falling quietly
Soft rain in the drought
In the drought
Scorching hot
On the last day came thunder and rain

June 30, 2009


A cookie
I would be
Could be
Thinking of a cookie
Not for me, but for you
Mother likes crisp cookies
Cookie for her
Cookie for me
Sitting in a swing

. . .

Noon
BP 55/90

2:30 pm
Clock ticking, quiet, heavy
Cotton blanket
Pink posies on her gown

2:47 pm by the clock on the wall
The True Value Octagonal Clock on the wall
Good day to meditate
Focus inward breathing
Sitting in recliner beside Mama’s bed
Not many days left to refer to Mom’s bed
Sitting beside her
Beside her bed

Somewhere, sometime
Some where, some time
Mom will be gone
Tired life
Anything goes
Tired, tired life
Sleeping is a good thing
When life is way too tired
Deep slumber
Way too deep

Out, out, over the fence
Into the wonderland
Away, away from you
And all that’s old and
Into the middle of new
Out, out, over the fence
I wish your journey were easy

July 1, 2009


Quiet Thursday afternoon in Mom’s room
She said she must have been holding on to something
I ask her if it was in her mind
She said, yes
But she did’t know what it was

Hour by hour, one sip at a time
I’m happy to be here
Sitting in the comfy chair
Snacking, scribbling in this book
Our days are long but
The hours are short

Hanging basket out her window
Pink geraniums hanging there
Out the window

Withering
She is withering as she sighs
Cold air blowing through the A/C vent
Humming
Paper diapers changed
Struggling to find comfort
Ready for pain medication
One sip at a time
Hour by hour

The day is long but the time is short
Silver hair on beige pillow
Aching in the quiet, dimmed room
Quiet light through the window
Shades of green, pink, blue
Ensure and ice
Diluted with water
A straw

July 2, 2009


Sip by sip
Breath by breath
Purple finger nails

Sunny, blue skies
Out Mom’s window
Green shade of oak trees
Patterned bright onto the photos
Placed on the window sill

Mama’s breath seems a little labored
I wonder what she is thinking, seeing
When her eyes open
Brown arm stockings
Mouth open
Snoring

July 4, 2009


Early Sunday morning
No change except for her feet
More mottled, blue, swollen
Wrinkled sheets, bunched pillows
Gasping, snoring
A stale smell in the air
Exhaustion all around
Pale eyes glazed, unseeing
Death will be freeing

I’m doing the best
I think needs to be done for Mom
You are doing the best
You think needs to be done for Mom
Neither of us are wrong

July 5 2009


Full moon shining
12:05 AM

Night, night
Sleep tight
You are free to go
Sweet mama bird
Into the dark minutes of this new day

Night, night
Sleep tight
Don’t let the bed bugs bite
I hope your journey is quiet
No more obsessing and worry
Free bird soaring into the night

July 6, 2009


Thursday at the Holiday Inn in Brownwood
Trying to think of my favorite memory of you
For your memorial

July 9, 2009


Humid morning with dogs on the patio
I’m sitting in a wicker chair that came from Mother’s house
Good grief it is humid out
Now afternoon
Ice cream, hemp ice cream, good

Journaling
I know I need to journal

About all of this stuff
It is hard to get going
Easy to fall out
To get distracted
Not to be able to do what matters
Easy to let it all slide

Focused but not seeing
Not seeing the big picture

July 30, 2009


Evening in limbo
Paralyzed by you
By me
Wishing for the unknown
Wishing for nothing
In limbo
Waiting while I am paralyzed
In a cloud of fear
I think I want to see
But do I?
And when I see will it be what I know?
I don’t know
Courage to see

Tensely curled in leather chair
Losing muscle
Belly round
Lost without me
August too hot
July was hot too
Too many hot days
Mom gone
I must be sad
Mom is gone
Paralyzed in this red-leather chair

Take a chance
Be better than now

August 9, 2009


Free fall
Freefalling
Falling out of this chair
Free fall
Freefalling
The year to free fall

Slowly falling up towards you
How lovely to know
How lovely to care
Birdie and I are resting here
Falling towards you

August 13, 2009


Thursday To Do List

Vet at 9 AM
Bank at 10:30 AM
Facial with Carol at 2 PM
Pick up meds at Apothecary
4 PM-ish: Travel to Walt’s house
Whole Foods - ice/cooler for items to take to Walt’s

End of the day
Didn’t travel to Walt’s
Needed to recover from
The cost to the vet $850
Facial, botox for paralyzed face, skin care
More than $600
Treatment requires resting
In calm environment
My face already noticeably better
Will take 3-4 days
To see finished results

Went out for a smoothie
Later to Whole Foods
Then it was almost 10

August 13, 2009


More lists
Apothecary
Studio
Think about getting funeral plants repotted
Exercise - gym

August 14, 2009


Paralyzed
I feel paralyzed Mom
Paralyzed
I know that isn’t how you envisioned
These times after your passing
But it is true
Maybe If I were not so in debt
I would not feel so powerless
It seems I wonder in a fog
Of frustration, numbness
But I’m not sure if I am so angry
More hurt
Yes, I am hurt
So I’m hurt
I must deal with it and move on
For my health, my heart, the new day
And for my son
For once I can do the right thing
Help him
And in doing so
I can help myself to a better day
Free, untethered and guiltless

I have done the best I could at the time and circumstance
I survived to be happy and good
Not to be pinched, conservative and mean
Mean like the sister
She is what she is
I know I am kind, open
I’m sorry you could not see it
You could not accept me
But I’m okay for all of it
All the years
I survived

August 27, 2009


Coffee Shop, Progress
After 1 PM
I am good
They are late
Oh, I am early
Dyslexic again!

September 3, 2009


September, Friday evening ... big storm

Think about what you really want
And be clear about it
Think about what you really want, be clear
Think clearly about what you really want
Are you easily influenced, are you?
Influenced?

What do you really want
What do I want? What is it?
Clearly you must know what you want
Really I am thinking
About what I really want
But my mind is blank, fogged, blurred

What do I want
I’m trying to think, but my ear is buzzing
Brain is fogged

Hope in the air this week
A tiny change in the weather
Hope all will be better
Better for Walt, Katie
Better for me
Even for Mark

I need a mental rest
Physical rejuvenation
I am almost ready for a trip
Maybe
First things first
Finding happiness right here
Nesting for a while
Good night

September 11, 2009


Monday
Hard to keep things in order
I am feeling so much better
... and there is Ginger!
This will be a nice lunch.

September 14, 2009


Time flies, time flies
How can I make the best of time
Where are the plans
For making this work
Plans are drafted
Ready to place
Am I ready
Help me, help me
My patience worn thin
Worn thin
I have no understanding
Reckless
I am reckless with my kindness
Recklessness
What am I saying to you?
To me?
What can I do to make it all better?

September 15, 2009


Friday night
Working on a plan
To get healthy again
It is almost Fall
I understand that there is a contract on Mom and Mac’s house
It could be selling soon
It is all so strange
Life goes on
Good night

September 18, 2009


Anxiety and fighting depression
I don’t mean I am fighting depression
I mean I am angry with a fighting depression
Anxiety, stress, fatigue and brain fog
My arms hurt from holding tense muscles
I am spitting angry
Spitting angry
Over the dynamics of the situation

September 28, 2009


Friday. Rain and cool
Lovely weather after summer heat
Drought, death and chaos
Daughter is 38 today
She hates me; maybe she always will
Let it go!
Repair - focus on repair

October 2, 2009


Acupuncture today
For Meniere’s Disease
I call it Mayonnaise Disease
Smoothie from Whole Foods
Tiny hint of nausea returning
With brain fog
Do I feel better?
Tired of feeling bad

In waiting room for talk therapy
Feels restful
Yesterday was the anniversary of father’s death
I seldom remember it
1986
23 years
Seems longer

Good session
Therapy next Wednesday

October 6, 2009


Artist Retreat at Laity Lodge
Ginger and I share a room

Lecture: ''The Sacredness of Questioning Everything'' by David Dark

“God rid me of God” in order to move past the lesser concept

God’s only revelation is in the moment

Then it is gone
It must move on
Jesus said ''Do not cling to me''
God’s word is always moving

All writing is a form of prayer
The poetic is non-optional
Worship is non-optional
It is before us all the time

''Religion is the opiate of the masses.'' — Karl Marx
''The critique of religion is the prerequisite of critique ...
It is the sigh of the oppressed creature.''

''Many use scripture, but very few receive it.'' — C.S. Lewis

Tell me, tell me
Tell me now
For I’m tired of trying to hear
Tell me, tell me
Tell me when
Fish on a hook
Without the spin

Flannery O’Connor — ''We speak of our faith as if it were an electric blanket.''
Rise above personal prejudices
Lose religion to find it
Saved from what?
The myth of critical detachment
Detachment can become it’s own delusion
Build a bridge with what is behind you

Out-of-balance thinking
Tripping through empty spaces
Falling into hardened chaos
Weightless in wisdom

In a personal and public world of chaos
Layering life’s challenges with a soothing cup of coffee
Soothing life’s layers with a cup-a-joe
Some things we can do something about
Some things we can not
Sitting quietly with a cup of coffee
It helps to know the difference.

October 22-25, 2009


It is still a free fall
I am still in freefall

October 30, 2009


Maybe I am floating now
Instead of falling
Maybe flying just enough
Not to continue to freefall

Studio remodeling began this week

Rest - it is okay to rest and gain insight
This medium-point pen is not inspiring to write with
It is a pen
Kind of like a lot of life

Finished a nice dinner at Houston’s
Even ate the croutons
I know I shouldn’t have
Kind of the way life is too
No dessert for me!
Go home and meditate
Or assemble pills
Meditate while assembling pills

November 5, 2009


I have been thinking unclearly
For the past few days
Or five days
About the term
''addicted to chaos''
I wonder if I am
Conditioned for it - I am
If I am, I want to learn
Not to embrace chaos
I want to learn to heal
Just live and heal
It is okay to just be
To be at peace; in one place
Energized in the fresh air
New beginning
Be still and accept

November 9, 2009


Sitting outside in the sunshine with Teresa

Birds on the ground, birds on the ground
Gravel and birds
Shadows of crepe myrtle trees
A breeze

Baby toes

November 17, 2009


Night, bed, cold
Two dogs, one cat
In bed with me
One dog roams the hall
Two cats outside still

In spite of it all
I am doing so much better
I even feel happy
Shoulder better tonight
After a week of specialist, MRI, x-rays, chiropractor, acupuncture
A steroid shot in the shoulder joint
Shot has made me a little aggressive
In spite of it all, I’m happy
So maybe 2009 Free Fall will land
Into the right place in 2010.
On the mend, painting again, 2010

December 4, 2009


Studio on the way to finished

Night, night once again
Dogs and cat surround me
Caffeine seldom calms me
I’m happy to be cozy
Cozy in this bed of fluff
The sheets are cool
The blankets warm
The purring, it has calmed me
Furry breaths snuggled close
I’m blessed
It is hard to write
Laying flat in bed
The angle is not flowing

Laying flat
To one side
The top has seldom found me
Found me
The top has seldom found me
I knew you when you were very small
Now your hope has gone away
Down the road
Paved with clay
Edged in sand

Worn thin with angst

Saturday, December 5, 2009


Sunday night
Soft landing from freefall
Landing from a fall
2009 free fall
My head hurts
Could have been yeast
Happy again
Calm, easy
Document the year
A fall from January to December
Almost total unbalance
Be kind to Mark
We have endured enough
This year of falling
Freefalling into place.
Amen

December 6, 2009


Red Bird in the rain
In the rain
Perched on a pomegranate twig
Redbird in the rain
Searching for the one
The one

December 29, 2009


Cleaning
Cleaning up leftovers
Working on details
Hiding what can’t be fixed
Happy to be cleaning
Putting time in order
Free fall

December 30 - 31, 2009